Should the shoe fit - or even if it really doesn't - you could be known as Skinny, Shorty, Baldy, Old One - you get the idea.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me - or so says the nursery rhyme. Now imagine a business tete a tete with an important client and someone coming up to your table with the effusive greeting, "Hi Fatty, how's it going?"

Are you likely to respond with a big smile and air kisses? Well, if you're Mexican, sure, since it's common in your culture to refer to someone affectionately based on his overriding physical characteristic. So, should the shoe fit - or even if it really doesn't - you could be known as Skinny, Shorty, Baldy, Old One - you get the idea.

In Canada, where I come from, these are fighting words - rude, insulting and not intended to make you feel good. But that's one culture and this is another, one where sorting out what someone's last name is can also be a head scratcher.

In Mexico, everyone has two last names: the one right after the given name (or names) being that of the father's father's family and the final last name being that of the mother's father's family. So, when Pedro Hernandez Gonzalez marries Juanita Vargas Llosa, their children's last names will be Hernandez Vargas.

Married women's names can be longer still. Even if the wife has chosen not to take her husband's name legally, an option here just as it is in the north, she still could be referred to as Juanita Vargas Llosa de Hernandez, "de" meaning "of."

With family ties being so important in this country, there are even terms for the different types of cousins. Two cousins on the father's side obviously would share the same first last name, Hernandez Vargas and Hernandez Lopez respectively, which would make them primos paternos. Cousins on the mother's side, primos maternos, would all have Vargas as their final last name.

According to the most recent Puerto Vallarta telephone book, Rodriguez is the most common last name, followed closely by Hernandez and Gonzalez. The Toronto equivalent would probably be Smith, Wilson and Jones.

As for given names, the consensus among those polled is that Maria, Marta and Paty are among the most popular for girls, as are Jose, Luis and Alejandro for guys. The name of Vallarta's patron saint, Guadalupe, is big as well, its abbreviations being Lupita, Lupe and Pita. If you have the same name as a Catholic saint, you get to feel and be treated special on the day designated to them. For example, Santa Cecilia, the patron saint of mariachis, is celebrated November 22. So all you Cecilias can enjoy the mariachi music that enlivens Main Squares throughout Mexico that day - especially here in Jalisco where this popular music genre originated.

I've been told that during baptisms, priests have been known to applaud parents who bestow the names of saints on their offspring and scold those who don't. And if a child hasn't been named by the time it's baptized, it's given the name Jose or Maria.

For youngsters, and to show affection, names are tagged with "ito" and "ita," Juan becoming Juanito to his friends and family. Endearing nicknames, kids get called in Vallarta include snotface (mocoso), freckleface (pecoso), midget (enano) and Hairless Aztec Dog (escuincle).

American ex-pat writer Ed Hutmacher, who has been researching Mexican nicknames since finding out his is Lalo, adds this humorous note, "Each nickname comes with a story explaining how El Gallo (The Rooster) or El Travieso (The Mischief Maker) acquired the name. Often, a family heritage results: El Gallo's son might be called El Pollo (The Chicken) and his son El Pollito (The Little Chicken). Thereafter, the whole family could be referred to as Los Chickens - and you can imagine all the clucking that goes on around the supper table."